I know that seems like a very morbid topic, but this is what I am dealing with today. My grandfather has been sick for a few months and passed away late this morning. He was my Dad’s stepdad, because his real dad died long before I was born, so he was the only grandfather on my dad’s side that I ever knew. I was closer to him more when I was younger, but regardless of how close I was, I am still upset over it. This is another life that is gone. No longer with us. I have only dealt with one other death, and that was my grandmother. That was a lot harder than I know this will ever be, just becaause I was very close with her.
My grandmother had cancer and fought until she couldn’t anymore. She exceeded every doctor’s estimation on how much longer she had to live. She lived three and half years longer than any doctor had said, and she lived them well. My grandfather, on the other hand, sort of gave up in the end. He’s been sick for a while, but at what point in your life do you get to the point where you are begging the nurses to make you a mixture of medicines to let you ‘sleep’? At what point in your life do you make the decision that you’re done and want to leave everything?
Death is the one thing that scares me the most. I’m scared of a lot of things, but death is the scariest becasue no one knows if there really is a life after this. I wasn’t raised in a household where God was forced down my throat, but honestly, I don’t think it would have mattered.
My grandfather was a very religious man and usually religious people are at peace with death because they will be with God. But my grandfather said earlier this week that even he is afraid of death. I think at some point, everyone is, but I definitely know that I am. I just don’t know if I believe that there is some higher power that is judging me, waiting for me after this life is over. I am living my life as if this is it. Because, at this point, I almost fully believe that it is.
Religion isn’t the reason that I am writing this blog. It’s because I just don’t understand how someone can decide that they don’t want to live anymore and just, give up. Especially when they know that if they just stay strong and keep fighting, they can be with the ones that love them most for a longer time. If I was ever in that position, I would be working my ass off to stay as long as I could, because nothing’s better than this life.
xo
-Rachel
RIP Grandpa Herb <3
P.S. I will be away for a few days due to having to fly to Cape Cod for the funeral. I will be back asap.
